Anton Guinea
Entrepreneur, Speaker, bestselling author, and founder of The Guinea Group of Companies. For over 15 years, Anton has helped leaders move their teams to become psychologically safe, physically safe and overall better versions of themselves.
Have you ever found yourself in a conversation where emotions are running high, and you’re unsure how to bring the temperature down?
It’s a situation many of us face, whether at work, with friends, or in our personal relationships. Over the years, I’ve learned that asking the right questions can be a powerful tool to bring things back to a place of calm. Here are three questions I rely on to de-escalate emotionally charged conversations:
1. Can you help me understand what’s upsetting you?
This question invites the other person to share their perspective, showing that you’re genuinely interested in understanding their feelings. It’s a step towards empathy and can help diffuse tension by making the other person feel heard.
Empathy plays a pivotal role in the de-escalation process. When individuals feel understood, their emotional defenses tend to lower, creating an opening for constructive dialogue. Here’s an example of how leaders use empathy to calm emotional storms.
2. What do you need right now to feel better about this?
By asking this, you’re focusing on solutions rather than problems. It shifts the conversation towards finding a resolution and demonstrates your willingness to support the other person’s needs.
Understanding the emotional landscape helps identify the underlying issues that need to be addressed. Here’s another article that walks through how emotions guide conflict resolution.
3. How can we work together to move forward from this?
This question emphasises collaboration and shared responsibility. It reinforces the idea that you’re both on the same team, working towards a common goal of resolving the conflict.
This kind of thinking reminds me of what I shared in this article on giving feedback—conflict isn’t the enemy. Misunderstanding is. And creating clarity is a team sport.
De-escalation isn’t just about defusing tension. It’s about creating a shared understanding. These questions help create that space. You can also learn more about this in this article on leadership conversations.
What to keep in mind while asking these questions
Here’s where most people get stuck—they ask these questions, but with a tone that feels cold or confrontational. Soften the delivery. Use a calm voice. Stay grounded in your body. Just like I teach in our leadership coaching programs, tone can be the difference between an invitation and an escalation.
And don’t forget—timing matters. If the other person is completely overwhelmed, you might need to wait a few minutes. Or even a few hours. Let the dust settle before going in.
Why this approach works
When someone’s emotional, they’re not always listening to what you’re saying—they’re responding to how you’re saying it. These questions interrupt that spiral. They help both of you shift from *reactive* to *reflective*.
There’s some great thinking about this in this guide to conflict resolution strategies. It echoes what we teach in sessions: start by slowing the emotion, not speeding into solutions.
If you’re someone who finds these moments tricky, and you want to get better at staying composed when others aren’t, you might want to check out our self-awareness tips for leaders and how speaking clearly can help reset the tone.
And if you’re ready to sharpen your leadership communication on a deeper level, book a session or get in touch today. We’ll work together to make sure your next tough talk lands with calm, care, and clarity.
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